Decluttering after death

After my mother-in-law passed away, a neighbor from her retirement community sent my father-in-law a sympathy card. I vividly recall that the card included the counsel, “Remember, life is for the living.” Initially, I thought the remark a bit insensitive given the recent loss. However, upon reflection, I saw the compassion in the message, especially coming from someone who had likely had their own experience with grief.

The sentiment, “life is for the living,” now guides me as a professional organizer when helping people navigate the difficult task of decluttering inherited possessions. In dealing with the belongings of a loved one who has passed, it’s important to prioritize your own well-being. Let the idea that “life is for the living” guide you as you decide what to keep—focus on the items that you love or treasure. Allow yourself to let go of the rest – allow, don’t force.

1. About Readiness

Counselors, professional organizers and common sense suggest you wait until you feel “ready” to declutter upon inheriting another’s belongings. Grief unfolds over time with uncertain duration, unpredictable intensity and shifting viewpoints. Each person’s experience of grief is unique to them. So, with respect to decluttering after death, it turns out that being “ready” is not so much a function of time or preparation as it is a matter of tuning into your feelings and circumstances and listening to yourself.

When to declutter after death is unique to each bereaved person; it’s a very personal decision. Some people, like me, feel the weight of a loved one’s belongings or are pained by the sight of them, and they declutter, without regret, early in the grief journey. Other people have asked for my professional organizing help years after their loved one has passed. The most important thing is to prioritize your needs and desires in deciding when to start. Ask yourself what feels right for you and accept it.

Well-meaning people in your life may have some thoughts on when and what you should declutter. Regardless of their good intention, the complexity of grief means it is unlikely that others will know what you want before you know what you want. Hear their ideas, or reserve their assistance for the future, but remember it is your call, even when you don’t yet know what that looks like.
 

2. Sometimes you don’t get to be “ready”

You may have a situation where you have no option other than to act quickly to vacate a space or sell a home and you need to make decisions about what to keep and what to discard soon after your loss. Death keeps its own schedule -you may need to declutter at a time that suits your availability or the circumstances, but not your readiness – flex your acceptance muscle in this situation.  Know also that being forced to declutter immediately after loss means you avoid the stress of an extended period of unresolved decision-making.
 

3. Declutter based on what sparks joy for you.

There seems to be no better situation in which to take Marie Kondo’s advice regarding choosing a single guiding principle on why to keep a thing than when making decisions about a deceased person’s possessions. Without a single, decidedly positive, criterion regarding whether to keep an inherited item, you are left with a plethora of alternative reasons (e.g. guilt, comfort, anxiety, uncertainty or security) which could easily overwhelm or paralyze you.

Afterall, it is unlikely that turning your home into a storage space, like the warehouse from Raiders of the Lost Ark, will serve you. Instead, keep only the things from your loved one’s life that warm your heart or improve your life.

Keep it if it sparks joy, or let it go – simple and clear – your true North.
 

4. Pacing the declutter

Give yourself grace regarding when or how long it takes to declutter. Grace in any direction- early, late, slow, quick, staged – make the choice which is the best for you and other directly affected individuals.  In the immediate aftermath of a death there can be administrative priorities – like closing accounts and cancelling services, decluttering takes a back seat to these priorities. The speed at which you work may matter to you, and there is no judgement to be applied to the pace you set for yourself.
 

5. Helpful triggers to start

If you are finding the concept of “ready” elusive, consider starting to declutter based on practical or logistical considerations.

Avoid long-term storage. If you can manage, avoid renting storage space.  Storing items postpones the act of sorting through them, which may only become harder over time as your attachment or guilt grows, or memories fade.  Storage costs can add up quickly, creating unnecessary financial strain particularly since you would likely be spending money on items you ultimately decide not to keep. Consider that you could pay for help from a professional organizer to help you sort through your loved one’s belongings in lieu of paying for storage.

Another sign that it may be the right time for you to declutter is when the deceased’s belongings are cluttering your own space, making your day-to-day living more difficult. When your home retains things from another person you haven’t consciously decided to keep, it can interfere with your ability to function or find peace in your environment.

Lastly, opportunities to act can arise when extra help suddenly becomes available. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or professional offering assistance, this external support can ease the emotional and logistical burden of decluttering. The “help is here” moment can serve as a natural prompt to begin.
 

6. Start easy or simple

When someone close to you dies, you’re feelings about their possessions and emotions can easily intertwine, making everything sentimental. If you are a fan of Marie Kondo’s method you will know that she recommends you tidy in order, by category and that “sentimental items” is the last category because of the inherent challenge in decluttering things that come with emotional attachment. So, when you are set to declutter, know that you will be sorting through your feelings in the process.

Start easy by identifying items that carry less emotional weight—like everyday household objects, foodstuff, medicines or toiletries. This allows you to practice letting go of things while still holding onto the memories. Pacing yourself helps ease the emotional intensity and allows you to gradually build confidence in separating the person from their possessions.

Or start simple with a single large item belonging to the deceased that doesn’t spark joy for you and requires some extra effort in discarding – like a car, or a bed for example. While it may take more effort than bringing items to a thrift store, arranging pick up of a bed, or selling a used car to begin the process will allow you to focus on a single task, and will deliver an immediate hit of tangible accomplishment.
 

7. Get help

If you haven’t started the process of decluttering the deceased person’s belongings because the thought overwhelms you – get help. If you are cleaning out an entire home which has been lived in for decades, you’ll want and need help.

When the help is family, they are likely to have their own set of needs, opinions and connections to the deceased; allow lots of time to sort through different perspectives. A story about great aunts arguing over handkerchiefs after their mother’s death reminded me to prioritize relationships with my siblings over material possessions after our own mother passed away. When we were finished decluttering my mother’s house we celebrated with a dinner out. While it had been a challenging, emotional task, my sister, brother and I were proud to have done it together.

If other responsible parties can’t be on site to help, find ways that they can help remotely – like researching charities for donations, or how to best dispose of medications or specialty items. If you are a remote assistant, appreciate the challenges of the person on site and offer tangible assistance however possible.

Give yourself permission to hire help – a qualified professional organizer will listen to you, guide you and get you through the project faster and easier than you could on your own. As a professional organizer I took my own advice and outsourced digitizing nearly 20 years of my parents’ Kodak slides. The work of scanning the slides had no appeal to me, but the images sparked joy for me. By outsourcing the work, I avoided buying equipment I would have needed just once, I received better quality images than I would have gotten on my own, and most appreciatively I lightened my workload at a busy time.

And whether you are working with family, friends or a professional organizer I would submit that decluttering after death is a wonderful opportunity to share stories about the person who died, funny, sad, painful – going through their things stimulates memories. And having someone there to listen to those stories is healing.
 

8. Take photos and share via the cloud

Taking photos while decluttering the belongings of a loved one that has passed can serve two purposes.

First, it is a means of communicating with family members about the belongings to determine how to divide and distribute wanted items. Upload photos to a shared drive and send the link out so that people can identify items that they would like to have. Don’t assume you know what will be important to other members of the family. You may find that some people don’t want anything at all but still enjoy seeing the photos.

Second, the photos can serve as mementos and meet a sentimental need without cluttering your physical space. I occasionally see photos of my grandmother’s things while scrolling for other photos on my laptop and I get a warm feeling every time it happens.
 

9. Discard Special

Identifying what sparks joy for you from the belongings of the person who died means you let go of the remaining items. In the case of discarding a loved one’s accumulated possessions you can find comfort or satisfaction in where the discards go. Without putting pressure on yourself, consider a special destination for one or more of the discarded items.

My grandmother worked in a department store, the rug department I learned. When it came time to empty her apartment, I paid attention to her wool carpets for the first time; they were beautiful. Despite our large family no one had the need or the space for the carpets. While I was in town to do the decluttering I stopped at her local library, noting their wood floors were covered with Persian carpets I found out that we could donate my grandmother’s rugs to the library, and we did – if felt great!

While sorting through my father’s work documents after his death, my mother told me my dad had considered the 40 year old material sensitive given it contained personal addresses and phone numbers. While I considered shredding the items, I got the idea of emailing the current CEO of the association. Within hours I received an enthusiastic response from the current CEO saying the company would be thrilled to have the documents and photos for their archive and would be happy to cover the shipping costs. Before sending the boxes, we enjoyed looking through the photos while my mother shared amazing stories I had not previously heard about my father’s work. I truly feel like we honored him.
 

10. There may be casualties

When you are in a time crunch to declutter a space that is not your own, things can go missing or get broken. When piles are being created, boxes and bags are flying around, items are removed from their usual spots, donations are getting picked up it can be hectic and things can go wrong. To minimize that risk, prioritize “ring fencing” the few key items that spark joy by taking them out of the space and putting them away where you will keep them long term, in advance of starting the declutter project.

If you don’t manage to avoid casualties it will be time to flex that acceptance muscle again. Maybe, eventually, you will tell a funny story about how you had to make your way through a blizzard to the cellar of a Salvation Army depot and search through what appeared to be millions of paintings to find the one that got picked up by mistake.

It’s just stuff

Sorry, I know it doesn’t feel like that.

The gap between having a living breathing person with us and not having them with us is so huge that we gravitate to the things they leave behind as proxies for that person. The physical objects can serve as reminders, but they are not necessary to keep the relationship or memory alive.

Ultimately, the connection to your loved one resides in your heart and mind, not in their possessions. By recognizing that your memories of them will endure, you can let go of things without losing the connection.